I originally wrote this post 8yrs ago, in a long neglected blog & for some reason, probably relates to recent circumstances, has popped back into my head.

So my 1st post is an old post. The hardest thing I’ve ever written publicly…Unedited as originally posted..

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Friday, 23 January 2009

There are NO Words?

This blog, is probably the hardest thing I have ever publically written:

There are no words…

(This blog entry has evolved over the last 4hrs {I kept walking away from it!} as I have written it has gone from something that was mine –so I thought- into something bigger than me… It is – what it is) No apologies if it seems incoherent but, I make less sense than God!

My #1 Son is 17 today, almost to the minute as I begin writing this in fact!

He was born at fourteen minutes past one in the morning, on Thursday 23rd January 1992. When I saw him for the 1st time, well there are no words to describe the emotions & level of love, that I felt in those seconds & minutes that followed, for him & my then wife.

A lot of time has passed since then, a lot of life for him, & my 2 other children (his younger brother & sister) as well as me, has been lived since then. Not all of it good, not all of it easy, & some of it, more than children should have to witness or endure! Separation & divorce can be messy. There are no words to describe the pangs of pain I feel, when I, somewhat inevitably, look back over some of it.

The detail is unimportant & perhaps for some would be unfair/unpalatable to be aired so publically. The past is important, but only as a starting place for our future (for what is to come). We should learn from it & acknowledge it. But never carry it with us as ammunition or baggage. There are no words that could explain how hard that is to do sometimes. (Especially if, at the time, that is what is being done to you)

As a Dad, I haven’t always got it right & sometimes got it really badly wrong! (Especially in that “past”) But I can (mostly) accept that & (mostly) forgive myself. This is because my 3 weans (kids) have told me that its ok, there’s nothing to forgive & that I’m a good Dad really! (They’re teenagers!)

Ok, I realise I was going to go on & on trying to explain more, without giving details.

But that is firstly, fruitless & superfluous.

Secondly, completely impossible without being public & personal.

Thirdly, oh so, a BIG mistake!

Those paragraphs are deleted & gone, as well as any obviously personal details. (before being published)

The long & the short of it becomes this then:

As a parent, it becomes hard to accept, as your children become more independent:

That a lot of the time you will be a bystander & a supporter standing on the sidelines, in their life. Now I can live with & adapt to that. But you also have to be, I think, sure in yourself (as a good parent) that in reaching that point that you’re now, in the majority a supporter/bystander, has come at the right age? For my parents I reckon it came when I was 18 (they might argue otherwise). But for every child & parent it will be different & in there lies my dilemma & possibly my reason for creating this blog entry…

I (as well as other family members & friends) haven’t really seen my #1 son, much since May 2008. He kind of (quite unexpectedly) drifted away. From then until now we have come across each other maybe on average 2 times a month (that’s about 16 times) Sometimes its been for seconds or minutes on a bus – sometimes its been for most of a day, like at parents on Christmas Day. Sometimes I know where he is staying (usually when he’s at his Mum’s) but most of the time no-one does & that is extremely hard.

I can understand, he feels he is ready to face this world alone & maybe, I concede, he is right. But not perhaps, if those who were important supporters (on whatever scale) in his life, before May last year are all now bystanders.

I don’t want to make this blog entry – inappropriate, publically humiliating & misguided – so I wont (& wouldn’t)

I have realised why this blog entry exists, because my eldest son is 17 today & that has made me think about this situation in a different way that, I perhaps have been avoiding. Its called giving it all to God (My biggest supporter). Something I now must do…

So, I want others to know that, I believe, everything in life happens for a reason. There are no coincidences only ‘God-instances’. I have faith & believe that God will be there in all the good & bad times of my life. But God is there acting in all our lives you just have to look to see his effect in your world (He’s your biggest supporter). That’s where faith comes in…

I have just remembered this: A handful of years ago, a man who I had only met a few days before (& haven’t seen since) came & sat beside me. He didn’t know much about me other than; We were on the same course, both went to church in The Salvation Army, & that he needed to talk to me! We had a long conversation (most of which I now don’t remember) at a point in the course when we had the afternoon off. So instead of spending a summers afternoon with his wife he spent it with me! But I needed it & God had told him so! Most of what he said that afternoon, has long since faded… But the line that lived with me was (is) “Let Go-Let God”. Easily said & with enough faith equally easily done…

I don’t always have enough faith (FYI! Christians are human!) so letting go of a struggle or hurt isn’t always 1st thing on the agenda all the time! Plus God gave everyone free-will, that can make things a bit complicated & messy at times! I suppose that’s what my #1 son is expressing at the moment – so as much as I don’t like his choices in life & the effect that has… I have got to trust God.

God is always there in my son’s life waiting for him to see that what he has planned out is nowhere as fantastic, compared to God’s life plan for him! That realisation for my son may come tomorrow, next year or never…

Let Go-Let God… Because I must! I cannot live my son’s life for him – that would be a massive mistake – he needs to find his way. I can be a supporter only if he wants me to be. So for now I remain a bystander to my precious precious son. I may not always be comfortable with that, but I don’t remain the only supporter. My family & friends are supporters too & will be there for him when/if he is ready. Above all that is his biggest supporter of all – God.

So… happy 17th Birthday to my #1 son (as in 1st born) & I pray you know that your supporters are here for you.. Thank you God for being there for him, even if perhaps your unwanted. I may worry about ‘my boy’ but hey I’m Dad… but I worry a lot less because God’s on my side & supporting me & my son (I wouldn’t want to be on the other team!)

Some people may think this blog entry to be misplaced & should have remained unwritten. Perhaps your right & your very entitled to that opinion. But I didn’t set out to write this, at all, or in the way it turned out…

It is-what it is. I don’t understand why – something had to be said & apparently its been said here. Take from it what you will. I ask for your prayers & understanding.

Trust me pressing publish for this blog entry is not taken easily or lightly at all ~ so be gentle?

Its now after 5 in the morning so I concede & retire for a few hours sleep…

~ A xxx